T-xinying

Sometimes I tell myself to throw away all the fears in me.
Sometimes I tell myself to be a little confident of my own ability.
Sometimes I trust myself to complete task I throw to myself.
I used to know what i want to do in life.
I used to be sure of my dreams and desires.
I used to...

I had a little chat with a friend on the way to class yesterday. and I realised, well maybe, I didn't know what I wanted in life. I used to be very sure of going into the media industry, to be a successful dj. I want to be able to socialise and stay in this industry where maybe one day I can become someone re known. But now i feel like all this is just a dream. and they should still stay as a dream in this realistic world. I don't feel like i'm cut out to be in this industry. I hate all this politics and how people fight for fame and success, to take a step further than another just to get what they want. I don't know how to snatch and i don't believe in learning how to either. Maybe, just maybe, I'm in the wrong path.

Its been a really long time since i was able to sit down, pen down some thoughts and blog them. Semester 1 in poly has officially came to an end. and in just a days time, i'll find myself continuing my second phase. Last sem was overwhelming, so many ups and downs. And as i said, i didn't have time to sit down calmly and think through life. I've always been a person who wants things done fast and get over with it. I learn guitar because it started off with passion, but now, i find myself practicing like its a chore that has to be done. I don't like how i rush through things, and get work done, cause i know things wouldn't work out like how i planned and i start getting all those disappointments and doubt my own capability. Its gets really tiring as the whole cycle just goes on and on. At the end of the day, I'll find myself discouraged and come to a conclusion of being incompetent. Therefore, i decided to spend my saturday night sorting thoughts out and blog. Now, the purpose of blogging is to remind myself constantly the things i've been through, remember them, whether good or bad and improve. I've so many flaws, so much fears that needs to be overcome. I need to constantly remind myself to take one thing at a time, start the new sem afresh and on a good note :)

Flashbacks

I experienced so much last sem, so much to share. I've take on task that i thought i wouldn't dare to accomplish, i joined ccas which i've never thought i'll do so. I met so many different people from all walks of life. & the best thing was that i ended of my semester on a really great note. I joined a camp that i'll never forget. and its probably one of the best camps i've been to. I've learnt so much, met people who i hope we'll still stay as friends, people of the same interest. I'm so glad i went. Few days before it, i was in a dilemma. I wouldn't mention what exactly happened here. But i was so glad i spoke to yl about how i felt few days before camp. And her words definitely left a huge impact on me. I'll probably never forget these words, "do what's best for yourself" Few simple words you may thing, but at that moment it really hit me hard. Till now, those messages at night are still kept safely in my phone cause i never know when i need these motivational words again. The camp was fun, but i had my fair share of feeling pretty stressed there. I'm a really slow learner and really bad at memorising things. I mixed up signings, learn the song signing really slowly. But i am thankful to the people around me during camp to patiently guide me. I must say the people of hi-club are different in some way. They are people with a heart of gold, lovely people. I'm grateful how i always meet really awesome people out there, during camps, orientations, or any events.They are people whom i share common interest, and there's always someone who inspires me:) some significant moments during camp that i'll remember: staying up till early morning to learn song signings with groupmates. Its heartwarming to see us coming as a group, sacrificing sleep to make things done. There's ought to be disagreements but things still ended off on a peaceful note:D & second night, stayed up till 4 with a groupmate to practice our signings. Really nice to have little conversation with her in the middle of the night. Though we were tired, i'm glad we were probably satisfied. Had a short chat with my room-mate as well. She reminded me how humans tend to take things too fast. If we slowed down, will things have a better ending? & the INSTRUCTOR'S TEST. I was freaking nervous right before it, and sadly, i know i didn't do well for both the test and practical, as well as the interview. But i've down my best, so i'll try again next year with the year 1s:)

I had the best group, got to meet a bunch of awesome people and entered a cca i loved. Maybe this is just the start, but with passion i'll be able to conquer the obstacles ahead! and i got a note during camp from someone: "Signing may be challenging, but with passion and drive anything's possible. Keep the spirit burning!" To whoever it is from, thank you. Its exactly what i really need now.:)

I'll start to post often now, to jot down little thoughts. I'm someone who gets affected easily by words of others. It may be a bad thing, cause you'll find that you'll never be able to forget. But the good thing is you remember them and prove them otherwise. I had a fair share of the bitter side last sem. TRUST, DOUBT, BEING LOOK DOWN. I felt them all. It wasn't easy for me to get over those for i have a pretty high ego :o I'm look upon as incompetent, frickle-minded, dumb, bimbo, slow. Worse, a follower. I know probably cause i don't voice out my own opinions and look like a little pathetic lost sheep just because i'm don't show how i feel at a particular moment. But i don't believe in being straight-forward. I know everyone has feelings, why must i make another person feel bad and feel bad about myself as well. I swallow down anger, fear, unhappiness, cause i'll rather talk them out with people who understand. I don't open up to anyone, and there's only one or two and my parents whom i'll open up to.  But that's just me.

The one month holiday allowed me to reflect. & i realised how much i've missed out. I'm caught up in a world full of insecurities, caught up in a world that isn't how i should be like. I don't want to be drag down by anyone or any thing. It might be a selfish thinking, but i want to do what i want, feel how i should feel and be who i am. A new semester, a new start, a new approach towards life.

A loser like me. and i'm proud to be one.

It's been a long time eversince i've logged in(:

had a hard time figuring out what my username and password is.

I wouldn't be updating today, just trying out.

Prolly by friday, i'll start blogging again.

No new pics, I've so deprived of freedom.

O'levels gonna be over and done with by friday:D yay.

I'll probably be back a zillion days later.

maybe next week, maybe 2 weeks later, maybe 12 nov(:

But not never.lols.

It's been GIGAdays since i've been here. Someone, pls get maths out of my brain.

Prelim2 ended approximately 24 hrs ago. Its the first ever Brain-cracking examinations, and seriously i dont except myself to do well either. Oh chemistry, how i loathe you so. I seriously and badly wants/needs to get out of this school and get over o's fast. I cant wait for what's in line after o's. && a month more to graduation.YAY! I can't wait for 12nov to come, then i'll go on a shopping spree to fill my empty wardrobe, paint my bare nails BLUE and get myself tan.Also, I'll do something with my unkept hair. can't wait. Now, i'll just tolerate the stacks of worksheets coming my way, making my messy enough room, look like a rubbish dump.

But now, i shall enjoy this freaking short weekend before i get back my horrible  results. I've expected for the worst, i can take it.haha. I need to get my graduation cards done. Cant deny the fact that i'm longwinded, i seem like i'm writing a compo rather than a card. oh well.

All men dream but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible.
T.E. Lawrence

I'll make it happen.

Thanks to those words, they woke me up.

I need to stock up junk food, to self motivate and hit the books SOON.

I wonder when i will ever learn to put my best foot forward:/

It seems like giving up is just the best solution to this damn thing. No one is trying, why should i even bother to. I did wrong the last time. I'm trying to salvage. But this is the maximum i can go. I'm like a rubberband being stretched to its maximum. .

nah, no one sees the effort. I'm always put into such situation where i always happen to be the middle man. It's killing me inside. I hate comparison(no, not ss). Why compare? I've never wanted to win in anyway. I've never want to get any authority, never want to get any attention from anyone. I just want to be myself.

I just want to make up for everything i've done. I've learnt to cherish, to forgive, to forget. I know i need to do something, i know have to be the one to bring them all together. However, i give up after what happened today.Everything's so fragile. Perhapes its just my fault to keep dragging and not speaking up.

It takes two hands to clap. No one is trying, they just complaining about one another. The words were very hurting. It's more of making me feel digusted about myself. I should stop running away, face the truth. Nothing's gonna work.

Back to onsugar. A sudden urge to come back here.

Another story to share;

As the sun rose, a dew drop became aware of its surroundings. There it sat on a leaf, catching the sunlight and throwing it back out. Proud of its simple beauty, it was very content. Around it were other dew drops, some on the same leaf and some on other leaves round about. The dew drop was sure that it was the best, the most special dew drop of them all.

Ah, it was good to be a dew drop.

The wind rose and the plant began to shake, tipping the leaf. Terror gripped the dew drop as gravity pulled it towards the edge of the leaf, towards the unknown. Why? Why was this happening? Things were comfortable. Things were safe. Why did they have to change? Why? Why?

The dew drop reached the edge of the leaf. It was terrified, certain that it would be smashed into a thousand pieces below, sure that this was the end. The day had only just begun and the end had come so quickly. It seemed so unfair. It seemed so meaningless. It tried desperately to do whatever it could to cling to the leaf, but it was no use.

Finally, it let go, surrendering to the pull of gravity. Down, down it fell. Below there seemed to be a mirror. A reflection of itself seemed to be coming up to meet the dew drop. Closer and closer they came together until finally...

And then the fear transformed into deep joy as the tiny dew drop merged with the vastness that was the pond. Now the dew drop was no more, but it was not destroyed.

It had become one with the whole.

-Peter Hughes
 

When things seemed to go in the wrong direction, hang on, cause such situations will make you grow stronger.

Months passed, and i haven't pluck up courage to say those words that I've hid in my heart all this while.

This sucks. I'm such a coward.

This will be my last post here(:

Pretty enjoy using onsugar, however, i would prefer to get back to blogger.

t-xinying.blogspot.com

PLS RELINK.

Thanks.♥